the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
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just make the entire table out of coaster
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.