How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
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My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.