Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
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Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Good boy 😂😂
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her