In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
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Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.