Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
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If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
i baked you a cake
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.