My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
The asteroid..
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
New menu item
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”