An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
You Might Also Like
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
The fall of Netflix
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.