Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
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Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Current mood: Potato
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter