Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
inventing words: clothing
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.