Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
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A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*