[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
The “baby” on the left….
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.