When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
You Might Also Like
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff