DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
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*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Damn he played himself
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Extremely relatable.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.