uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
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What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church