I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
checking out some reviews of my local library
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
New mindset, who dis?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?