[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???