Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
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Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Always 🥴
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Beware of fowl play.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time