[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
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My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Velcrow
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.