David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
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Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well