Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
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I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.