What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”