WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
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Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.