My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice