me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.