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“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.