{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]