Yes, this is exactly right
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There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks