The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
The Onion called it…again.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.