ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
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[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.