Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
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I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
sensitive skin
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza