I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
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your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Milk Cube
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.