I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
You Might Also Like
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what