Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
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What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.