As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Duck typos.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
😎 🍻
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”