“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Erm…