I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.