This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Dietest Coke
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
HR said no more nunchucks.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!