Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
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“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Don’t we all.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My inexpensive home security system…
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.