Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
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A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd