A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
You Might Also Like
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!