This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider