Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
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I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Going to church you guys need anything
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.