[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I wanna be friends with this person
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook