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The first matador
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
😎 🍻