girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
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[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.