The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
that’s really how it is
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”