I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
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[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
[montage of me giving-up]
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.