Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
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Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread