Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Not now. I’m deglazing.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.