A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.